Democracy does not revenge

Having been shocked by the cruel videos of Saddam’s killing I can’t think of anything else than to wish something utopian like people not to be idiots, as the greek root of the word means: a person who doesn’t involve in common issues but only cares about his own. Less Violent, More Human and thus Happy New Year 2007!

PS. The following paragraph is taken from freeathens.blogspot.com

"Cheer up Christian Republicans: you killed another one, Happy New Year!!!
American Republicans should have felt guilty for the killing of Saddam if they had the privilege of feelings. But since they are unable to feel anything at all unlike other human beings, it’s worthless even to bring it to discussion. Although I’m against all this national proud stuff, it’s the first time that I really feel that I am proud to come from the country that invented democracy and I am quite satisfied that after 2.500 years the whole continent, Europe, has adopted many of the values of ancient Greece. One of them is that “democracy does not revenge”. But this applies to real democratic countries; those in which death penalty is legal are not considered democratic ones of course. That’s the difference between USA and Europe: hypocrisy - morality and values like the degree of importance of the human life. "

Zero

Yesterday we went to a near casino with 2 friends after having drunk a lot in a friend’s house at first and me driving drunk with 160km/h in a distance of 100km and back in the middle of the night, from 12.00 till 4.30 in the morning. It took us less than 15 minutes to gamble and lose €100 and passed the rest of the time having free drinks while gazing at strange people with serious and angry faces gambling and losing loads of money in such an easy way, like the way they earned it probably. But generally we had a good time because it was this moment’s decision to go that made us very excited to do it.
Today I just saw friends and went to the movies. I had a great time too but at the end of the day I missed my boyfriend. And I realized that this time I miss him more than the previous ones. Does it probably mean that as the time passes we’re getting closer one another? Should I be happy about it ‘cause it really means a lot or should I be frightened because the relationship is getting tighter and I regard it as a serious undertaking that I don’t want to have this period in my life?

Happy New Year to all of us! 2007 will be a blast, Marianna's right!

No cheating...

I gradually realize that it isn’t a matter of willing to cheat someone, especially someone that you care about, only because of lack of good sex. I’m not that type of guy to do it in cold blood. But… If there is a moment for example one night being drunk in a bar meeting someone or just returning from a club making a phone call to an ex-boyfriend it’s easier and that action justifies that the only purpose is the lack of sex and nothing else. It’s not a matter of a pre-taken decision but just “a moment of weakness” or “low resistance” to temptation...
For the moment I just enjoy seeing more my friends, meeting people I don’t see so often lately, still making plans for the New Tear’s Eve, gathering at houses playing games etc. Innocent kind of stuff…

Missing sex

I miss sex. I definitely miss sex. Even when my boyfriend’s here I miss it - or even if I don’t miss it at all, I miss the good one – imagine now that he’s not in Athens and he’s coming back next week. Under other circumstances I would cheat him, in fact I would have cheated him from the beginning, but now I’m thinking about it. I’m almost sure that he has already done it to me, sometime that he believed I cheated him and he did it back for revenge. Unfortunately this is the way he is thinking.
Anyway I don’t want to do it for revenge but because I really miss sex. Shit, I don’t know what to do. On the other hand, I definitely don’t want to risk my relationship for a moment of pleasure, even if I consider it as vital. My mind is so confused and I have a week to decide…

Canceling

I’m getting so pissed off when my friends cancel what we have already arranged beforehand. These days it’s happened several times – in fact 3. Ok, I know my friends and I know their customs but if we plan to do something one or two days ago and when the time comes it’s being cancelled after my call with the purpose to fix the exact time, then I’m getting pissed off. Probably I’m not talking about real friends, but people we’re going out with. So I’m gonna pick up my best friend alone without a friend with whom we had already arranged.

Tele-Christmas

Yesterday I had the most quiet Christmas day as far as I remember – except of the one 15 years ago that I had a light kind of pneumonia… I wasn’t sick this year but I didn’t even get out of my house all day, I was watching TV, copying favorite series to dvd, editing them, printing their cover etc. At the same time I was exchanging thoughts over the TV program with my boyfriend who is in his parents’ house in another town almost captive.
At least today I’m expecting by best friend to come from her birthplace too in order to spend the day together… It’s the last day of the Christmas holidays anyway…

Night out with friends

It finally happened last night what I was afraid. We went with 2 friends to this gay-friendly bar but there weren’t many people there in general and as for gays the only ones were probably us 3, the music was nothing special and we said we should go somewhere else for the second drink. Then we discussed about the radio spot of this meat-market gay club that we‘ve all listened in the evening with the motto “the happiest club in the city” and a friend suggested that we can go there and the other one agreed. You understand how terrible was the situation that I was found. I’d like to go there too, but I shouldn’t. So, I told them that I can’t go there and explained the reasons why. My friend told me “ok you just go there for your friends, we’re here to protect you from ‘temptations’ anyway!”. But I told him that I don’t want to open such a going-to-gay-clubs-with-friends circle ‘cause it will be created a situation that I won’t like and he seemed to understand. At that point I made them clear that if they want to go to that club, they can go, it’s fine with me, but they both interrupted me and said no, no problem let’s go somewhere else altogether. I think that I put them to a difficult position anyway. So I proposed 3 other gay-friendly bars, they easily agreed and we went to one of them where I found an x-boyfriend of mine doing PR there. It’s been a long time since I hadn’t seen him, he was very enthusiastic, he brought us some shots and generally it was nice and cool night out with friends, though I would prefer it to be more clubby.

Temptation?

I just listened to a radio spot, advertising my favorite gay club that it’s been ages since the last time I went there. In fact it was till I met my boyfriend. It’s an unsaid agreement that we’ve done, not to go to pure gay bars anymore neither alone not even together. But we can go to gay-friendly ones with mix crowd. The truth is that this certain club is a kind of a meat market in which I’ve divorced many times in the past due to other “temptations” that I met there and couldn’t resist...
Sometimes I feel that I oppress myself but at the same time I know that if I go there something will happen to destroy my relationship, something that I don’t want to happen right now. On the other side, if I had found out that my boyfriend went there, I would have been very upset and it would also change the state of our relationship. I think that this is an essential compromise in order to keep a serious relationship. I’ll go to a gay-friendly club with my friends tonight instead!

Have a Psychedelic Christmas you all!!!

No party, no sms :-(

I’m a little upset because although we had arranged to go to a party with a friend tonight we finally didn’t because it got late and he was about to fall asleep and tired… So I stayed home with 2 friends and being already pissed off I got an sms from my boyfriend saying he’s doing nothing there and he longs to go to his parents’ house. While I was in a sensitive kind of mood I made the mistake to reply saying like a silly that I was expecting him to say he was longing to come to my house instead. In Greece we have an expression saying, “if he replied to you, then he replied to me too”, meaning he never replied… But we talked later and he seemed to be definitely somewhere indoor. I’m very disappointed for not going to the party anyway…

Mysterious thoughts

In the morning we tried to talk by phone but he said he couldn’t hear me because of my mobile’s bad network, although I could hear him perfectly. He can’t talk free all times of the day when he’s there. I really don’t know what he’s doing up there and with who. He used to live for many years and all his x-boyfriends are there. But I can’t do anything. Once I’ll go with him and I’ll see.
According to his sign of zodiac, he is unfaithful. A month ago he’s told me “you’re my more lasting relationship”, having been together for 7 months and also “it’s the first time that I’ve been so faithful”. Of course I didn’t ask him “how much faithful you are?” because I wouldn’t believe the answer whatever it would be. Should I cheat him (too)?

Missing(?)

I kissed him goodbye in the morning and I already miss him. I wrote him a note on the gift that I gave him saying something like “separate for these days, together for the rest”. I didn’t quite mean it when I wrote it, but I think I do mean it now that he’s gone. I can never be quite sure about myself. There are times that I want someone so desperately and some moments later I can forget him easily lessening his importance to me and changing the way I see things totally.

Kissing him goodbye

Tomorrow my boyfriend is going to his parents to spend the Christmas and New Year’s holidays there. I think it will be about 2 weeks. So we’re gonna spend this night together.
My feelings are so confused about this period. I think I’ll miss him but I’ll also be free to spend more time with my friends and with people that I haven’t seen for long time. I think we both need this space for a while. And it will show us if our relationship gets stronger or not.

The dark clouds returned...

I indeed had a super great with my friends last night, exchanging gifts, talking, laughing, drinking, listening to music and play “taboo” till 3.30 in the morning. At the same my boyfriend was out with people (friends?) that I don’t know (he hadn’t told me), his mobile was closed or out of network until 3.00 when he replied to my sms and telling me it was a confession night for them (who?) while drinking. I’m gonna ask him tonight for more details but can an 8-months relationship go on this way? Without telling me what he’s doing, while I’m telling him everything? And why was the mobile closed? It’s not strange then that my friends wished me for next year to see me more happy and smiley than this year and return to the “good old me” that they know?

Christmas (shopping) spirit

Today I spent all evening searching for gifts for my friends and my boyfriend. I’m gonna meet my friends tonight in one’s house while I’m gonna see my boyfriend tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. All of them are gonna spent Christmas with their parents, who don’t live in Athens. I’ll stay here. Anyway, I was very happy, though tired, choosing gifts and even though my budget is limited, finally I didn’t consider money at all and bought gifts that I liked and I hope they‘ll like them too. I really enjoyed it! (Did the Christmas spirit come to me without taking any notice at all?)

Jealousness

He went out with a friend for a drink while a friend of mine paid me a visit. Now my friend has left while he’s still out. I shouldn’t be jealous but I can’t control it. I don’t want to show it to him but I can’t always hide it. My friends tell me that this uncertainty feeds me and keeps my relationship alive, but I don’t quite agree. I think I would prefer someone quieter than him to stay at home waiting for me and not make me think of what he could be doing out there. I also forget my good manners when socially, I only care and focus on him and I don’t behave to his friends, for example, as I should, I’m losing myself…

Sofa Sunday

After a Saturday night-out with my friends and a Sunday morning quarrelling with him by phone, I spent the whole Sunday lying on his sofa having an irritating big hangover. Surprisingly he was so nice to me, he wasn’t disturbed by the fact that I went out having drunk so much and lying there in a kind-of-coma condition. He was bringing me everything I needed or asked him and spent the whole evening there together, it was so nice. And on top, we had sex twice (after 14 days…)! This is how I like the relationship to be, the relationship that I enjoy being in, the way I want to spent winter Sundays…

Happy again (without him)

He had to attend a seminar in the afternoon and I went with 2 friends to a friends’ T-shirt shop where they gave a pre-Christmas party. It was great, interesting people, nice music, plenty of wine, trendy T-shirts and I had a good time with my friends drinking, talking, watching and discussing people, laughing and flirting at last. I needed all this. I have been missing it all this period. My boyfriend gives me nothing but sorrow all this time. I’m making moves towards him and he pushes me. It’s only me that wants to keep this relationship alive and with passion ‘cause he doesn’t. He’s so cruel. But it has to be both that would like the relationship to move on or else it’s doomed to fail. I’m afraid we’re moving towards this direction.

Still no sex

Friday night and he wanted to stay alone at home putting in order his stuff in his apartment. 12 days without sex. Let’s see tomorrow

Another disappointment...

Last night we didn’t have a good time either. We went to a bar, I didn’t like it and told him to leave. We did but he stopped talking, we went for dinner and he was quiet, answering with one word to whatever I was saying. Then I stopped talking and I was thinking of how nice it would be if I were alone. I told him that we’d better leave. And we left after having stayed at the restaurant less than an hour.
The thing that I have to improve is not to take him so seriously and to think that if he’s upset without reason I should pay no mind.

Unhappy

After an 8 months relationship, the things that make me sad are unfortunately more than the things that make me happy. I feel free only when I’m with my friends and not with him. But I can’t do what I want even then. I can’t go to a gay bar, for example without him. It’s a kind of “unspoken agreement” that we have made. But I’m not myself when I’m with him. And if I show him myself we’ll probably break up. It may sound silly but we have also arranged an Easter-trip together, which we have already paid for and it adds to my nervousness.

No sex

We passed all the weekend together with my boyfriend, we made things together we went to the theatre, we ate something out, we walked around, we laid on his sofa reading the Sunday newspapers, watching TV touching, hugging and kissing each other but no sex. He was horny enough many times – me always! – especially in the morning when we woke up and we were hugging and “playing” still in bed. Although we were touching each other, he showed to me that he didn’t want to go further. He’s definitely not a sex maniac – the opposite I guess- but the whole weekend without sex? A reason that I can imagine is that on Saturday morning I woke up much earlier than him and left him in bed, going out for a coffee with my friends and perhaps this is a kind of revenge on his mind. I don’t know. Unfortunately(?) we have never discussed about sex; there has never arisen a problem which can be solved by discussion anyway. I hope the problem won’t insist.

Weekends together

I love weekends! Yesterday we spent the evening and the night together; we went out, then came back to his house, we slept together and I also had a chance for a coffee with my friends in the morning without him - because it's vital meeting my friends. Now we're gonna meet again goin' to theatre, probably for a drink afterwards and sleep at his place again tonight. I feel so great sleeping with him, just the touching of his body makes me sleep like a baby... Pity that we don't sleep together during the weekdays but at the same time this absence makes me feel missing him and longinig for the weekends!

Unbalanced relationship

My boyfriend cares a lot about his job and himself. He doesn’t care a lot about me (it’s the opposite to the song). I’m just someone who’s there with him, together with him to all the things he’s doing, supporting and surrounding him. That’s how I feel. It’s not that I share him with other people – he doesn’t have friends – but with things like his hobbies, his work and I’m not the protagonist in his life; I just exist. On the contrary I’ve put him unusually high to my scale of appreciation and to the top of my priority list. I know that the balance is not equal but I can’t control it. Once I’ll gain control and the situation will change dramatically I’m afraid.

Worrying...

My boyfriend just accepted a second job tonight for a magazine and he had to go to a nightclub where they are singing live in greek, in order to write a report. I’m not happy at all about it. I’m about to sleep and he’s having fun outside. If I knew it from the beginning I wouldn’t start a relationship with him for 8 months now.
Apart from this (the worrying thing) he also didn’t like at al these shows and he was saying that it’s a kind of subculture etc. and now he’s attending the show only for the money. He comes down to me this way.

Missing…

I didn’t see my boyfriend tonight, neither last night as well. And I missed him. I saw my best friends instead. And I love to miss him!

Technological accidents…

Last night we decorated the Christmas tree together, it was nice though I wasn’t in a quite good mood because of some family health problems.
Some minutes ago I realized that a video tape was accidentally erased that I had recorded a TV appearance of him during the summer, the unique in the period that we are together. He doesn’t have a copy and I was about to record it on a DVD disc as soon as I would get my recorder back from the technician… I’m quite sad about it…

Delete Christmas!

Yesterday we were discussing with my boyfriend about making a trip during the Christmas weekend somewhere in Greece – on New Years Eve weekend he’ll visit his parents. But while we were searching for possible destinations he noticed that we would feel so uncomfortable because all these hotels in the mountains will be full of straight couples and typical big Greek families; being two guys together those days we’ll become an open subject for discussion for them. One could say, “who cares?” but we do actually because we don’t want people looking down on us and behave strange and suspiciously to us. Someone not Greek cannot understand it but it happens. If it was an ordinary weekend there would be no problem, but it’s those shitty “family” days… And it doesn’t exist a kind of winter place where young people would go cool with friends, a little bit gay-friendly etc. At least not during the Christmas time.
We didn’t talk about traveling abroad – which it would be great - because we don’t want to spend much money now (since we have already planned to make a trip during Easter holidays) apart from Sofia, Bulgaria that he suggested but I didn’t find it a good idea traveling 12 hours by bus and visiting Byzantine churches and monasteries… So he will go to his parents earlier and we booked air-tickets to fly to Thessalonica for 4 days in March instead!

Kept secrets 2

Finally about his yesterday’s visitor, - "Too Hotty" was right on his comment - it was an old friend from his birthplace that I haven’t met and paid him a visit since he’s in town for a few days. But my boyfriend is the type of guy that doesn’t talk a lot and he believes that “since you don’t know him, what’s the use telling you who he is?” something that is absolutely out of my way of thinking. I always tell him about all my friends and the people I know, no matter if he has ever met them. I am very open to him and he is not. But after 7 months that we ‘re together I have quite understood his way of thinking though it’s faraway from mine.

Kept secrets

Last night we didn’t meet with my boyfriend because he had to go to a business kind of meeting – although he invited me and I denied coming. All day today we hadn’t spoken on the telephone and when I called him when I woke up the answer was “I’m with a friend” and I just told him “ok, call me later”. But is this a response from a guy that you have a 7 months relationship? “I’m with a friend”? With whom? Because I take all things in a good way, I can tell that all these things are just a bad coincidence and a friend has just come and didn’t want to say something in front of him. But why?

I'm just a jealous guy...

I’m quite disappointed because I ‘ve just heard from my boyfriend that he has to make a business trip abroad and maybe another one during next summer. It may sound crazy but I’m jealous, I just can’t control it. Of course I don’t show it to him and I keep staying calm encouraging him in whatever he attempts, because this is the way I should normally behave. But the truth is that every time he’s far from me I’m afraid he will cheat me. He hasn’t ever shown me such a sign but that’s the most worrying thing. I think that if he wants to do something, he can easily do it and I won’t take any notice at all. Therefore –I know – there’s nothing I can do, so that’s why I’m worrying... Or maybe it’s because it’s the first time that I haven’t cheated a boyfriend and it’s the first time that I’m feeling for someone something so strong…

Between him and her

Last night we didn’t meet with my boyfriend – we live separately, I stay in his house only in the weekends- but we were talking regularly on the phone. He had a project to prepare and I was busy with the blog.
But we ‘re gonna meet later tonight although I had promised to my best friend to go to her place to watch our favorite series. Although I’d prefer to see her tonight, I’m gonna create a strong excuse for going out with him instead of going to her place. It’s because I didn’t see him last night. I can’t be in two places at the same time! I think she‘ll understand anyway…

Goin' out with him and my friends

Last night we went out to a kind of cabaret-show with my boyfriend and two of my best friends, a male and a female one. All of them had a good time but me. The problem was not the show, which I quite liked it but I was so anxious because my boyfriend doesn’t quite fit with my friends – even if they don’t admit it, I think they just tolerate him but they are so kind to tell me – and I was in the middle between them and him.
I behave different when I’m with my friends than when I’m with him and I couldn’t find a way to behave last night. Furthermore a friend couldn’t stop showing to me nice guys in the place, something that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I know he didn’t do it in purpose but only because he is so spontaneous. My boyfriend didn’t tell me anything because he is not that type of guy but I am afraid that he thought, “Imagine if I am not present what happens there…”. ‘Cause he hasn’t heard the best of rumors about me for the period before we met. And although I’ve been faithful to him as long as we’re together, these rumors aren’t far from truth.

A few introductory words..

I am a little over 30, in a relationship with a guy close to my age, since 7 months. I generally like being in relationships but when I’m not, I go out to gay clubs every weekend with my friends, having fun and meeting guys either for one-night-stand or for more. This is the way I met my boyfriend but now we ‘re running a rather family life spending most of the time just the two of us, which is something I enjoy for the first time in my gay life or we see friends separately but never going to gay clubs anymore (I’m ok with that as well). We don’t live together during the weekdays, something that gives us enough space, only in the weekends I stay in his place.