A new path

We discussed a lot with my boyfriend yesterday and we didn’t break up. As a conclusion to the conversation I realized that he loves me too but his top priority is his job for the time being and I come next. Of course I’m not happy about it but what can I do? It’s the longest relationship he’s ever had and he doesn’t know how to handle it. His love, as he gives it to me, is not enough for me. But it’s his best. It’s no use forcing him to do something beyond his abilities. I love him and I don’t wanna lose him without trying harder. It’s the first that I’m truly in love, as well…
Now even for these next few hours after the discussion, we’re better.
I also decided not to post anything about my relationship with him anymore. I wouldn’t like him to find anyhow what I’m writing about him. It’s not fair. In a way, it can be regarded as gossiping him. The next post that I’m gonna refer directly to him will be in case we break up. The next posts will be more general.
I feel so grateful to all of you who have spent some of your time so far in my blog reading my posts and writing comments. I’m quite new to the blogosphere, that’s why I am making mistakes...

About to break up

Last night we were about to break up. Perhaps I should have done so. Just because he had a guest in his house all weekend, we didn’t see each other. The same thing happened last weekend with another friend and also 2 weekends ago. He doesn’t have lust to see me and that’s ok with him. It’s 3 weeks since we haven’t done sex. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t tell me where he’s going and he doesn’t call me to know where I am. He never calls me on the mobile, he sometimes calls me home, if he finds me, it’s ok, or else he doesn’t call me on the mobile nor even sends me an sms. And when we talk afterwards he just refers me that he had called me home, in a very cool and indifferent way. He claims that he has feelings for me and when I once told him that I love him he just replied, “it’s mutual”. I never said that again…
So last night we found each other in a gay-friendly bar out of luck with our own friends… While he was feeling “oh what a coincidence” in a huge smile, I couldn’t hide my anger and sadness to find my 9-months boyfriend in such a bar. He had previously told me that he would go out with his guest and a friend, but he didn’t invite me. I had one of the saddest night and my friends were comforting me. I should have broken up.

He pissed me off again...

My boyfriend is so closed as a person; he doesn’t talk to others easily about himself, about what he’s doing generally or what he’s done recently. He always asks questions instead, and wants to know about other people. He does the same thing to me of course. After a 9-month relationship he replies to my question “Where have you been?” “Out”, if I ask “With whom?” he replies “With friends” or “With a friend”. Then I’m forced to ask him with which friend and where exactly. I’m not the guy who wants to know everything in detail in a pressing way, but what the fuck, that’s not an answer! If I go on asking, he does reply, but he brings me to a situation that I don’t like. And I’m almost sure that there’s nothing to do with cheating or something that I mustn’t know. It’s just his type. Unlike me who without being asked I tell him everything with every detail, what I did, where I’ve been, with whom, at what time, etc. If I did something that I wouldn’t want him to know, of course I wouldn’t tell him, he’d do the same I guess. But it’s his style that pisses me off. Uff…

Generation next

We went to the theater with my boyfriend yesterday and among the audience there were two guys in their early 20’s, beautiful, trendy-dressed and gay. I usually feel “proud” enough for my boyfriend and me regarding how we look like to the others eyes. But as I was staring at those guys I was thinking that they represent the next generation gay couple from ours. I feel young enough when I deal with people in my age, of course with the older ones and also with the little younger than me or even much younger since their look is up to just trendy. When I see gay guys close to 20yo dressed very trendy and looking very younger, only then I realize that a generation gap tends to be formed… But I wasn’t gazing at the guys in the theatre in an envy way but I was admiring their look, beauty and youth, thinking the (similar) things that I was doing 10-15 years ago. Fortunately, I still feel pretty fine with my age, my look and my life so far ‘cause regarding the overall situation I’m quite satisfied by the way I balanced between personal gay life and social behavior and status. Yes, I’m generally optimistic as a person…

Eurovision Song Contest 2007 - the greek contestants

Since I run a – temporary - quiet love life it’s time to deal with other things such as the nominees to represent Greece in Helsinki for the Eurovision Song Contest 2007… Three are the candidates: Christos Dantis (the composer of the 2005 Helena Paparizou’s “My number One” at the 1st photo), Tamta (originally born in Georgia, x-USSR at the 2nd photo) and Sarbel (half Cypriot, half Lebanese at the 3rd photo) but all three are having a great success in Greece. Each one is gonna compete singing their own song and people will vote to decide which one will represent us. Although we haven’t heard their songs yet, I hope Sarbel has a good dance one ‘cause he dances really nice shaking his hips in a very sexy and irresistibly attractive way… The Greek final will take place in the 28th of February, until then we’re crossing our fingers…

Another refreshing Sunday day-trip

Another warm - regarding the temperature (21oC!) – Sunday, another day trip to another close to Athens seaside town, another great time that we had with my boyfriend. Unfortunately it didn’t end up with sex like the other time but it was ok anyway. We needed to spend some time together after a Friday and a Saturday night that we went out separately or stayed home with our friends. Maybe we just introduced a nice Sunday-trip circle, we’ll see…

Such a misery guy...

One of the things that I can’t stand in a person is stinginess, especially when it’s not a matter of lacking of money but unwillingness to spend, ie pure misery. My boyfriend is such a guy. He always pays his share only, he usually makes unanswered calls in order to call him back, when I tell him to go out somewhere he says “I don’t have money”, if I say “don’t think about it, I’ll pay” then he agrees, and many other similar countless occasions. And I know that he’s getting paid very well, better than me and at the same time he’s saving money while I’m spending here and there and I’m full of credit cards and loans. It was unavoidable not to feel so happy when he told me today that he’ll be responsible for another project for the summer for which he’ll gain loads of money. I was thinking that at the same time he refuses to go out because he can’t afford to pay his drink and also that when we order salads in restaurants he chooses the cheapest one, even if the difference with the next more expensive one is €0,20…
While I was writing these lines he called me and I wasn’t in a good mood ‘cause I have to make my annual check-up at the cardiologist and instead of encouraging me he got sulky - though I had previously explained to him the reasons - and said “you’re not in the mood, send me an sms when you leave doctor” and we hung up! What sympathy! What the hell am I doing with this guy?

Problems with friends

I’m quite disappointed with my friends. They had asked me if I’d like to join them to bouzoukia (a kind of club where the top greek singers perform live) next week and I said that I‘ll know for sure in the beginning of February ‘cause maybe I may have to go there for another friend’s birthday. So I suggested postponing it a few days. In the beginning they said “yes” but today they told me that they’re thinking of going at the first date – probably without me.
I wouldn’t feel so disappointed – although I’d like to join them so much - if this was the only incident. I’m afraid that from the time that I have this rather serious relationship with my boyfriend I feel that my friends (all are single) keep a little distance from me and they don’t put me in their plans. I don’t like that to happen. I have made clear that there are things to do with my boyfriend and things to do with them, but I think that they feel that they have fallen from the list of my priorities and they react making plans without me. They just ask me if I want to join them or not but they don’t let me involve during the plan-making phase, like previously.

Hero...

Tonight we went out with my boyfriend and a friend of his. While they were talking, once they had a disagreement about something and my boyfriend started making fun of him and talking to him in his usual ironic style. Then his friend told me “How can you manage with him? You’re a hero!”, I said “I know” and we laughed. But my boyfriend didn’t. He didn’t like it at all. He smiled, but many times during the night after that incident he was bringing it back out of nothing, supposed to be in a “funny” way but I’m sure that it touched him…
It’s true, anyway, but unfortunately he doesn’t take any notice, no matter how many times I tried to show him my rejections to some of his ways.

A Sunday trip keeps the passion alive...

On Sunday we had a great time with my boyfriend. We went to a nearby place close to the seaside where we had lunch in a tavern and then went for a coffee, cinema next, to his house watching TV at night, taking a quick glance at the Sunday newspapers, drinking vermouth and then having sex, sleeping together until the next morning that I had to go to work leaving him with a goodmorning kiss…
Things were different tonight back in Athens that we went for a drink but we left early because he probably got many things about his work on his mind.
As a result, we should probably be making trips outside Athens more often…

Fighting and grouching

Of course we didn’t avoid the fighting with my boyfriend tonight! I dropped him outside his house without talking after a hard quarrel that we had. My friends finally didn’t come so we went out in a gay-friendly bar us 3: me, my boyfriend and his guest friend. The point is that his friend doesn’t respect me, something that it got obvious from many occasions. I didn’t tell him anything – it’s the 3rd time that I see him - but I asked my boyfriend afterwards which the reason is: he’s just such a guy or my boyfriend let him act like this (because I don’t know what he’s saying to him about me). My boyfriend got furious about him and he told me I should react immediately in the real time that was happening and at the same time he got mad at me because I shouldn’t have doubted about him.
Although he is the one to blame and of course I do doubt about him, he always makes me feel guilty even for things that I’m not responsible at all. I don’t know if it’s better not to tell him anything about things that annoy me, because every time that I do so we fight and we ruin our relationship. If I don’t tell him, I get pissed off internally – anyway – but the next day we’re fine. Tomorrow I don’t know if we’ll be fine and I’m afraid that these fights and grouch poisons our relationship for a long term.

Bad vibes

I strongly believe in good and bad vibes. Unfortunately these days my boyfriend hosts a friend of his, a guy who’s producing the worst vibes that I have ever got from a person… He has come to Athens 3 times and I have quarreled with my boyfriend all of them, one of them we were about to break up. Even today we had a little fight on the phone, I’m sure this weekend will not end up in a good way. The guy is one of the most antipathetic that I have ever met. And my boyfriend is either naïve or has certain unknown motives for keeping him as a friend. Imagine that once, just because we met with my boyfriend in a club and greeted (it was in the beginning) he got pissed off and said – shaking his head backwards – “should I leave?”. The other time just because I slept in my boyfriend’s house he got so pissed off that he left in the morning without saying goodbye or even thanks for the host and didn’t talk to my boyfriend for 6 months. I don’t know what I’m gonna face tonight. So I have also invited my best friend with her friend to come tonight out with us – for backup - and let the “party” begin!!!

The cost of a call

During the whole day I was longing to see my boyfriend tonight after so long that we hadn’t met, due to his flu. Then I called him 3 times and he couldn’t talk because he was out – he didn’t mention where, of course – or he had too much work. But he never called me nor sent me merely an sms. In addition, he was kind of rude and heavy on the phone; he just wanted to arrange the time that we’ll meet.
No need to say that now I don’t have any willing to see him at all. He has this special capability to destroy my feelings and to disappoint me out of the blue, despite my best of intentions…

Internal wonderings

I have 2 best friends; they’re both female, attractive and mainly single. They always have some kind of loose relationships or little stories but nothing steady. So when we meet – me with each one, not all us 3, they don’t talk to each other – we spent most of the time talking about how our current relationships are going or about new ones or everything that has to do about it.
Sometimes I wonder: a) do all people spend so much time, thought and energy on these issues? b) are we doing right?
The temporary answer that I’ve given to the second one - because I finally don’t care about a) (the question was rhetorical) – is that these affair matters are vital to our lives. The better love life we have the better we feel about ourselves and there is also an impact to the rest aspects of our lives. I believe that people who after a long steady relationship become sentimentally dead, they face the negative consequences reflected to their personality and become conservative and jealous - hence mean.

A matter of targeting...

When I was in my early 20s I was attracted by guys in my age. Later in my late 20s I was attracted by guys younger than me. Now in my early 30s I’m attracted by guys much younger than me. In other words, I’ve always been attracted by guys in their early 20s. Fortunately, until now I haven’t experienced any problem in their responding; on the contrary now it’s easier for me, I don’t know how it comes. Probably because my target group is guys with a little girlish beauty and shy behavior who – like girls – always want a relationship with older guys…
One of them I met today in a Civil Service. Just by the time I listened to his voice, my gaydar activated and located him. I wanted a piece of information and of course it was him that I asked. Then he entered his colleague’s office exactly at the time when I was there talking to her. After that I thought to myself that we‘re gonna meet again and we did; twice in the elevator! But it was many people there and we only exchanged these certain looks while talking about work stuff …
According to my personal records it’s these younger guys that I mostly like, with which there’s passion and enthusiasm in the beginning, but as fast as I get to know them, I get bored very easily. And my 3 longest relationships are with guys close to my age, especially my current one that it’s a guy with a totally different appearance; so straight-looking…
My erotic mentality seems like these straight greek guys’ one who keep on flirting and shagging with “lolitas” and “barbies” but their true relationship is with a serious woman. Am I a straight gay, or what?

Flu problems...

My boyfriend has caught flu and he’s in his house. I feel uncomfortable because I’d like to be with him so that he doesn’t feel alone but on the other hand I don’t wanna catch flu as well… So I decided not to visit him but talking to him on the phone many times per day, “encouraging” him. Apart from the fact that I hate being ill – like everyone – I explained to him that in case I also catch flu I’ll be unable to work, something impossible at this period and he seemed to understand.
The truth is that I feel awful anyway. Today I didn’t go out; I just exchanged visits with a best friend.
But I think I can’t risk it visiting him just because it’s weekend…

At last...

It was nice last night. My boyfriend was feeling that he had flu, so we stayed in his house and we had a real nice time together. It’s nights like these that constitute the reason why I’m still with him.
But tonight I ‘m gonna meet my friends, a night that I’m waiting with enthusiasm…

Unscrupulous

I feel a little awful. My boyfriend did something “unfair” in his work and I was very sarcastic and criticized his manners hardly. But all I said were true and I mean every word I used. We are so different personalities, he grabs every chance in order to succeed professionally, no matter if these options are totally opposite to his believes and thoughts that he was previously with irritating passion supporting. He’s the type of guy who thinks only of himself and if someone is willing to stand by him, agreeing and accepting what he does, it’s ok. If not, then he’s out of his life. That’s why he has no friends –at all – and his longest relationship lasted 6 months. I probably am too patient.
The problem is that in my life I was always avoiding this type of guys that I had met either in a friendly, erotic or family environment. And now one of these is my boyfriend. A guy that wouldn’t hesitate to sell his mother’s soul in order to achieve something personal – that’s a greek expression… Now that passion and enthusiasm has faded out of our relationship, now his true character has revealed. And when I tell him my point of view he gets angry, he makes personal attacks and concludes to “we can’t communicate” which is not far from reality. So I usually prefer to tell him that I agree or that he’s right or to not comment at all, in order to avoid quarrelling. ‘Cause when I tell him the truth then I regret it and think that he’s not gonna change anyway, I’m not gonna be with him forever, so what’s the use?

Disappointment...

It had been 15 days since the last time I saw him and we went out to eat something and drink a glass of wine for only an hour. He said he was sleepy, he was tired to go to a further place close to the sea - although I’m the driver – he was very calm and quiet like I had seen him the previous day, he didn’t talk much, as always, but he said he missed me – that was a change! – and he suggested to go somewhere for the weekend. But it was only 11.00 and he said “shall we leave?”…
The problem is that I like him and I think it’s mutual. The hardest part is that we feel things for each other but he drags me down, he doesn’t let me free my energy, he doesn’t get my humor. When I’m with him I rarely smile while all people know me from my smile and my laugh. Marianna said we have to surprise each other, but I don’t have the courage and the mood anymore since whenever I tried (and I tried hard sometimes), all usually fall behind. Is there a salvation?

Something's opened my eyes

My boyfriend’s in town actually. I‘m gonna see him tonight. But my mind can’t focus on anything else than the guy that I met on New Year’s Eve and how great time we would have together if the situation was different and we could be together. Our relationship wouldn’t last long but I’m sure I would enjoy it. I’d live the enthusiasm, a feeling that feeds me and now I’ve forgotten how it feels like. My boyfriend is nice but we live a quiet family life ‘cause he’s such a type of guy. This kind of life is good but maybe 10 years later not yet in our age. I think I want to live my life with more energy, now that I still can.

Back to routine

I think that today I miss my boyfriend at last… It’s probably because I went back to the office and thus to my everyday routine but I miss his hug. And even though I was one step before I cheat him I feel better that I finally didn’t. I think that this 15days period that we were away from each other did good to our relationship. Tomorrow he’s returning but maybe he’s leaving on Friday for a business trip, I hope he will…

Strong temptation...

Happy New Year!
Last year I divorced my 10 months boyfriend, only 3 hours before the year’s changing. 5 hours later I had already found a new one. This year it didn’t happen something like this but I got involved in another strange situation. The temptation finally came but in a wrong way of course… He came in the shape of an about 24yo guy who happened to be the boyfriend of a friend’s friend; the boyfriend of the host of the party, the night that they announced their “engagement”, probably the shortest-lasting ever engagement in the gay history, since some hours later they probably divorced after his strong and in front of all’s eyes extended pressuring flirt to me!
But let’s take thing from the beginning. From the moment we saw each other in his boyfriend’s house we both felt this mutual attraction, but we both have boyfriends and especially his boyfriend was present, the host of the party, my friend’s friend who invited us and bought rings to engage him in front of us! Things were limited only to mutual stares in the party but then we went to a gay bar. Things were getting more and more obvious to everyone to understand that something’s happening between me and him, but as the night was passing and we were both getting more and more drunk we didn’t care about the other’s presence; after the exchange of these looks, we went on talking closely and then dancing close enough to make the others stop dancing and looking at us (including his boyfriend). While his friends were encouraging him, my friends started the action. They suggested me in a discreet manner that we should leave, something that we finally did but without my clear approval.

Only when we got out I started to think what my friend’s friend would think about me. Hopefully he didn’t seem to be angry of me but his boyfriend.
The truth is that I was flattered by his flirt and went on having a good time while the couple was divorcing but I don’t feel guilty because I didn’t start anything and if it weren’t me, it would be someone else (common but real excuse).
If the situation was different I’d like to do something with the guy. He seemed to be so outgoing and energetic… I know he’s a kind of slut and his behavior towards his boyfriend was unacceptable but my intention wouldn’t be to marry him… Nor even to engage him…